Tools For Peaceful Conflict Resolution

How many times during the course of a day does the potential for emotional and physical abuse occur? What happens to this potential depends on the choices you make and actions you take.

When eight-year-old Jimmy asks permission to take a short bike ride and he is gone for an hour, there is likely to be a conflict when he returns. How you handle this potential for conflict will depend on the tools you use.

Tool #1 Communicate    

When Jimmy returns he won't understand why you are upset if all he sees is an angry and out of control parent. Your best chance of finding out why he was late is to keep calm. Tell him why you are upset; "I was afraid for you when you didn't come home. I thought you were hurt. I love you and worry when you're not where you are supposed to be." Getting your son to understand that a short bike ride would have been fifteen minutes will help you both define expectations. Making it his responsibility to wear the watch you got him (or answer his cell phone and keep it charged) will give him better tool next time to follow the rules.

Tool #2 Own your anger and any other emotions you might be feeling.

While Jimmy's parent might be thinking, "It's because of you that I'm so angry and now I have a horrible headache," it should never be verbalized. The message this sends to Jimmy is that he and his behavior cannot be separated. He might walk away thinking that his behavior made him a bad kid.  Everyone makes mistakes, even mom and dad.   If our goal is to encourage our children to make good choices we must model the behavior we expect of them. Sharing and owning your own feelings and describing what they feel like to your kids are a great place to start. This will give them the power to differentiate complex human emotions and how they can be expressed in non-violent and productive ways.

Tool #3 Listen Actively

Most of us are guilty of tuning out the speaker before he has finished in order to formulate our own response. Sometimes we are so busy thinking about what our answer will be that we completely miss their point. The quality of listening is of enormous importance in resolving conflicts. By giving everyone involved in the conflict time to talk and listen, shouting matches can easily be avoided. When a child feels that he has been given the time to be heard, by the important adults in his life, to communicate his own story, he'll only get better and more articulate in explaining and understanding his own motivations and emotions. Jimmy's parent may find out that his reason for being late was because he was helping a friend fix his bike tire. The point is you'll never know if you're not listening.

Tool #4 Plan for the future

Working to come up with an acceptable plan for both Jimmy and his parent will take time and patience on both parts. Since rarely is anyone completely right or wrong, no one should feel like a loser. When Jimmy said that he didn't realize how long he was gone, he gave his parent a place to jump in with a plan. Jimmy agrees to wear the watch and to call from his friend's house if he sees it is getting late so mom or dad won't worry. And, Jimmy's parent agrees to be specific about the time he is to return home.

We map out many things in our lives, vacations, errands, dinner and a rainy day to name a few. Why not plan for conflict? We obviously feel more in control when we plan for events in our lives. Preparing for conflict is just as logical. Having a plan and using the tools outlined will help your family take giant step towards a thoughtful and peaceful resolution where everyone is a winner!